More courage

Lo’s mum’s response really hit us hard… I don’t think we quite realised it at the time, but for the past week we have been a bit thrown. It’s like our baby-making house was in order and then a huge storm came in and blew everything around and now we’re straightening the photo frames on the mantelpiece and clinging to the glassware and gathering things back together.

It certainly has stirred a lot up and resulted in a lot of misdirected anxiety. We are a bit worried about silence from the donors, the consent forms are yet to come back and we haven’t had an email in a week and a half. I know that they: a) are men and so do not know that a week and a half is a long time in the world of a focussed ttc woman; b) are super busy with crazy work commitments; c) are plagued by intermittent communications; and d) may well have sent and written back by snail mail and not thought to send an advance email advising of this. I hate that this process turns me into an obsessive person who is second guessing them and making excuses – and I do think this is one of the downsides of a known donor arrangement (or at least the arrangement we have) that we are negotiating a relationship with a man/ men on really unfamiliar terrain, and it’s hard not to let weird power stuff get in there. And trying to play it cool on top.

Last time we hadn’t heard from them (very early in the process when we were about to start the tests and deposits etc) I spent a few days in the depths of not knowing and obsession and then it worked out with a very plausible and reasonable explanation (which was all solved by a telephone call). Boy I was nervous then. It’s because THERE IS SO MUCH AT STAKE!

Lo’s mum’s response got me really worried about my parents’ response. I have had some very good news on work and study fronts lately, and when I have called my parents to tell them I have heard their voices full of pride, excitement and wonder that it is their daughter telling them this good news. It’s so nice to feel affirmed and appreciated. I just wish I would have that experience when I tell them I am pregnant, like straight women do. It’s so worrying to me that it won’t be that way. That it will need to be carefully and painfully managed. That there won’t be yelps of excitement. We saw our friends S&L on the weekend and L said that all parents were concerned about how they would explain it to their friends. Her mother had been trying to convince them to adopt as it would be much easier to explain to her friends that her single daughter had adopted rather than her daughter’s lesbian partner had given birth to a baby. The only reason L’s parents know that they are ttc is because S is totally upfront and unapologetic and has family dinner-table conversations with L’s sister in law, an obstetrician, about IVF methods and keeps trying to engage L’s parents on discussion of baby names. There’s probably something to be said for being that upfront.

I am still weighing up whether not to tell my parents anything until I am pregnant, whether to give them a hint (such as saying something like ‘Lo and I would like to have kids one day’ although I just can’t work out where that would fit into conversation) or whether to bring them into my confidence, and do the decent thing, by telling them in advance. I was wondering whether a letter might be a good idea. I was thinking that I could prepare a letter that sets the issue out, tells them how much I love them and how important this is to us, and has a FAQs section if they want to refer to it for more details, and perhaps attached some positive articles about GLBT families and even a wholesome book like ‘Families of Value’ or some other hetero focussed profile of GLBT families. As my parents live on the other side of the country, my dad often posts me packages of newspaper clippings – it’s his way of showing he cares and keeping connected – I am wondering whether I could reappropriate this idea. Or whether this is just too much information for my conservative and very English parents who would prefer not to discuss these things.

So I feel a bit stuck. I don’t think that we should tell the ‘how’ of it until the donor six month wait is over (July 25) as I just wouldn’t want to pre-empt it just in case things change. But that doesn’t leave much time before our first insemination around mid August. After which it’s possible I could be pregnant! But not if I keep up this stressing and obsessing. More yoga, more swimming, more clarity, more order, more certainty, more grace, more confidence, more acceptance of the way things are, more supportive voices for Lo & I, more strength and more courage. That is my prayer.

---