The kindness of strangers
When we started thinking about monitoring my own cycle more carefully, in line with the three signs lining up approach, I was ogling the Maybe Baby fertility lens. I almost bought it a few times, but it was $70 which seemed like an awful lot to pay for something that was going to duplicate the information that we were getting from the blood tests at the clinic. So each time I’d practically get to the check out and then I would chicken out and put it back. But then the other day I saw one being given away ‘free to a good home’ on this parenting/TTC discussion board I frequent. So I contacted the woman that was selling it. It’s totally sterilised and all it is is a microscope for your saliva so it should be fine. One of the reasons I wanted it is because I knew a lesbian who used this as her only monitoring tool and fell pregnant on the second go. So, it arrived today, in perfect condition and with a lovely note. I love the way the universe provides and how generous people are out there. It was so nice to get a package in the mail from a kind stranger.
I have just ordered both the Preparing to Conceive CD and the Pregnancy CD recommend by Vee so have a bet each way on where we’ll be in a week or two.
Surge!
The surge finally came on Thursday (CD20). I was glad I’d cancelled out of the training course but still went into work. It would have been agonising hanging around the house all day waiting for a call. I’d been to a yoga class in my lunch break and came out to find two missed calls from Buffy and a message to call her back. Because of the agreement for us to do two IUI’s, Dr Y&F wanted to do one at 5:30pm that evening and the other at 10am the next day (CD21). Lo was interstate for work, so I called her and she arranged an early flight back. I callled Wes, the acupuncturist, and got an appointment with him at 3pm that day and 11am the next, so my two IUIs would be bookended by acupunture. I went back to work and organised to leave early that day and take Friday morning off. I went and saw Wes and had an amazing session with him. At the end, he gave me this pep talk and told me to focus on the wonder of it all, not to forget that this was the moment where I could be about to become a mother, and not to get distracted by the periphery of the medical environment. That was really useful advice for me at that time. Then I had an hour or so free. Given that I hadn’t know it would be that day, I didn’t have time to go home and get changed, but didn’t really want to go in my work wear. So, I changed into some comfy clothes I had in my gym bag in the back of the car, sneakers, and a big warm fleece. I looked like I was coming from a session at the gym, but I knew I wanted to be comfortable, cocooned, cosy and not in my work persona. I had an hour or so free before Lo would arrive and we would need to go to the appointment, so I went down to a really pretty place by the lake and took a long, meditative, walk. I really grounded myself and thought about how I wanted the inseminations to go. I felt really good about the decisions we made. Then, I drove part way to the clinic, and met Lo from her taxi, and we drove to the clinic together. It was really nice, the clinic was entirely quiet and it was just us, Dr Y&F and nurse #3 (who has redeemed herself somewhat). They were in suits, rather than scrubs, and it was all rather informal. My cervix was wide open (I know thanks to the spec-o-cam monitoring that’s proven really useful) and the insemination was painless. Dr Y&F has an excellent bedside manner, calling me ’sweet’ and touching my leg in a really comforting way. I didn’t look at what they were doing , but focussed internally, on Lo, and focussed intently on a small sticker on the spotlight overhead that had ‘Dec 08′ written on it. We had worked out a good way for Lo to stay close to me, and she had tucked her hand under my jumper and had it over my left (ovulating) ovary. We stayed close. After the insemination, I lay there for a while, then we let ourselves out, went home via the video store and the supermarket, and settled in for a cosy night re-watching Juno and eating salmon and soba noodles. It was really really nice. I had no cramping and felt really enegetic afterwards, unlike last time, where I had really wanted to curl up straight after.
The next day, Lo and I went out for breakfast at our special cafe and then for another walk by the lake, and we went back into the clinic with me in a repeat of my cosy gym gear outfit. Due to delays, we had to wait over an hour, with the bad radio station blaring in the waiting room, and then finally went in. The second insemination felt less comfortable, I am pretty sure my cervix had started to close and Dr Y&F had trouble getting the catheter through there. But I was ok. It was so good doing two as it meant there was less pinned on the single experience and I had felt good about how the previous day had gone. After the insemination, I lay there briefly then we left and I dropped Lo off at work and I went and saw Wes for more good medicine. Then I ran some errands and went back to work. I could have taken the day off, but it was my boss’s last day and I wanted to go to his farewell drinks. It was weird to be back in the office, but I was glad I did, as it took my mind off it all. By Friday night, we were out for dinner with friends and back to life as normal.
So now we’re in the 2WW. And, because of the delayed ovulation, it will now be mid-when my parents are here on holiday with us that my period is due or we can expect a +ve home pregnancy test. So, that’s not the greatest timing. We have decided that we probably will just see if my period shows up and if it doesn’t, we’ll test on the day they depart, which is also my birthday. I don’t feel pregnant at the moment, but I feel so much more relaxed about it all. Lo said that with each insemination I am becoming more fertile, that we are opening ourselves up to the possibility of a baby coming when it’s ready. I think that’s true. I feel so much better at this than I did before. And I am finally finding that monitoring my own signs more carefully is really rewarding. The cervix analysis has been really powerful and instructive. And if future insems are like this month has been, then that’s something I can manage for a few more months. Of course, we’re ready for a BFP this month, but our October plan is a good one, and the future feels bright. Now, I just have to decide whether to order now the Preparing to Conceive CD vee has recommended me to arrive in time for use next month or whether that won’t be needed??? I don’t want to be planning for it not to be successful this time. But it won’t get here in time if I order it only when AF arrives. Perhaps I should take a bet each way and get the Pregnancy one and the TTC one. Either way, I’m feeling ok and have such a better grasp on this stuff than I did before. Lo thinks it’s something about grapefruit*.
* There was an article in our newspaper this weekend about research that shows that grapefruit distorts and badly increases the effects of drugs. I eat a grapefruit every day. Lo thinks this may be why I had such a bad reaction to the HCG shot last month. I also realised that on the Puregon my driving was really affected. I had so many small prangs and near misses that month, whereas now my driving is fine.
Ch-ch-changes
You know this song “Turn and face the change, ch-ch-changes…” I have had this song stuck in my head for far too long. Lo told me this morning that it was time to get a new song after I had sung the same three lines once too many times. Here are the changes I have made this month:
- commenced acupuncutre with the wonderful wonderful wes
- given up soy milk – I love soy milk. It is the one hangover from my vegan days. I didn’t quite realise how detrimental to fertility it was, and with my restrictive diet it has been the one thing I can drink. But I have discovered I can drink cow milk. I am drinking organic full fat milk. (inspired by scary stories about low fat milk and that famous fertility diet study that showed that one serve of full fat dairy daily increased chances).
- cutting out all herbal teas except for the absolute safest ones.
- cervical monitoring with the spec-o-cam. (i.e. Lo, a speculum, a desk lamp anchored to our bedroom dresser and some KY jelly a.k.a. how not to start a night of hot lovin’)
- use of OPKs to second-guess when the clinic will detect my LH surge
- reading The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth for the trillionth time
- Lo and I are starting each day with an early morning walk. It’s so great to get the light behind our eyes, and with spring here it’s such beautiful early light, and troops of kangaroos bound right past us (I must post a photo). It’s also so good to get a chance to connect first.
- I have been mixing up my routine at the gym. I have cut out the high-impact classes that seemed to trigger the bleeding (which has now stopped), but am trying to do more yoga, cycling classes and swimming.
- I bought a meditation cd. I couldn’t find one especially for conception, but I figure any meditation will be so useful right now.
- I finally realised why our temparature tracking had been so hard. We couldn’t find a basal themometer when we started, after checking every chemist and getting blank stares when we asked the staff, so we just bought a normal digital one. It took about five minutes to get a reading. And even then it wasn’t that accurate. Now, I have found this new massive chemist warehouse, and discover that there is such a thing as the basal themometer. I bought one and am noticing the difference. Better late than never.
- Trusting intuition a bit more and feeling more empowered to have some ownership of the process.
- Realising that intuition can be trumped by science.
I thought that I would be surging today. I thought that our insem would be tomorrow. The delays in this cycle (which, thanks to Stephanie, I attribute to the full moon) have made life ultra complicated. Lo had a business trip interstate planned for tomorrow. I had a training course I was meant to be doing. So confident was I in the fact that we would inseminate tomorrow CD20 (after we didn’t insemiate on CD18 or 19 as I had thought), I cancelled my training course and organised to take the day off work (I used a complicated rouse about having an appointment with a specialist for a medical procedure that would require a day off – which I had been on the waitlist for a long time and the appointment had just come up thanks to a cancellation) which is all practically true. And then, my 3pm call from Buffy tells me that I am not surging. So, therefore there won’t be an insem tomorrow. So then, I had to explain that I would indeed be at work tomorrow (try explaining that one), and Lo proceeded on her business trip (she’s back tomorrow). Wes continues to stand by ready to do acupuncture once I have insemination times lined up. So now, I am home alone, trying to negotiate the spec-o-cam singlehandedly and monitoring all signs. Friday’s going to be really bad day to take off work as it’s my big boss’ final day after a long time of working together, so I really need to be there. And Saturday, in my voluntary capacity, I am running a training course all day, training volunteers who facilitate coming out groups for GLBT. Part of me feels like if we’re going to have time for a baby, we need to have time for making the baby, but life does go on. It’s so frustrating not having any indication in advance of timing, particularly as a lot depends on Dr Y&F’s availability, so there’s very little flexibility from our end, and this mega-cycle has really thrown my diary out of whack.
A little bit of infertility
Things are not going quite to plan this cycle. According to nurse #3 at the clinic, I have “a little bit of infertility.” “We have only tried once!” I cried. “I have a 32 day cycle!” I said in defence of the fact I had not yet ovulated at CD15. “Spotting can be a perfectly normal experience!” I am becoming the uber-assertive-Stephanie-Brill-says-there’s-nothing-wrong-with-me client ( I refuse to use the word patient).
It’s now CD17 and there are no fertile signs as yet. We’ve had a slight change of direction. Following the call from the clinic’s regional manager, we’re now able to inseminate twice at a reasonable price and with DDX’s good-quality second-batch sperm. While I still really like the idea of an at-home insemination (and said-artichoke jar has been purchased) I suddenly started to freak out about not knowing who the bio-dad was. I’d got so used to this monthly alternation model between our two donors. I never imagined myself to be a girl who did not know who had gotten her pregnant. It’s different to having an anon donor as we’d still have some conceptialisation of the sperm-donater. I just didn’t like the idea of having to examine the features of the baby to work out paternity. And not having a choice about whether we divulged this information or not because we didn’t know. And we felt like we wanted to try with DDX having tried with DDY last month and that that was part of the agreement we had with them both. So, now that we’re back with our clinic plan, we’re going to do the clinic insems with DDX this month and then do at-home insems with DDY next month (possibly supplemented with an IUI with DDY). We realised that we should probably just choose one approach and stick with it, but intuition is important. And we’re in control of this process and want to keep refining it. And thankfully our donors are so great.
So, it’s a stressful week. I have another blood test and ultrasound tomorrow. As much as this is at the centre of our life, Lo and I are trying to work out where we’re going to fit the insems into our hectic schedule. It’s difficult finding the flexibility to be as absent from work as much as this process demands. I also don’t want to give it too much space, given how much I freaked out last time. My approach this time is to go to the clinic, go to acupuncture, and go back to the office. Although my wonderful acupuncturist is a hard man to catch. With our two inseminations, Dr Y&F wants to do two IUIs. I had asked for an ICI and IUI. But it will be my concession to her to go with two IUIs. Probably better chances, but I kinda liked the idea of the vaginally inserted sperm swimming their way up in a leisurely fashion. With the stress, the spotting, and the dramas I am feeling like September isn’t really our month. In October we’ll be on leave all month (a staycation! there was no way we were booking a holiday as we wanted the flexibility to be around for this whole process), we’ll be doing the KD DIY thang, and will be a lot less wound-up. So, in true ttc trooper style, my mind is already on next month.
Blogger’s digest
Why I love the acupuncturist
I had never seen an acupuncturist before. A few months ago, a friend of mine raved about this guy, and I was tempted. I loved the blissed out experience he described when he left there, the intuitive hands, someone who can tell all that ails you from your pulse.
The acupuncturist is even better than my friend described. He is gorgeous. In a quirky, slightly camp, can’t quite tell if he’s gay, preppy, hippy, premature graying, delightful way. He’s so gentle and so beautiful. He runs this well-to-do acupuncture clinic with beautiful silk screens and lovely light. He has the most amazing touch and this lovely serene face. It’s so nice to come across such a beautiful human being. And he is so interested in lesbian conception. In fact, he’s buying the New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Planning and Birth just so he’s up with it. So, I am loving seeing the acupuncturist. Loving it.
Why we hate the clinic right now
We’ve had a really hard time with the clinic lately. Trying to do things our way, rather than their way, has not been easy. While they at first agreed that we could do two inseminations on consecutive days, one vaginal and one IUI, saying there would likely be no charge, they then went on to tell us that it was going to cost an inordinate sum. None of which could be refundable for various bureaucratic reasons. Even though now I am no longer taking the drugs and not requiring such regular monitoring we are still paying the same price per month as we did last month.
Then, there’s been another issue with the blood test. Our donors made two donations, one on 25 January and one on 5 February. They were meant to be closer together, but the clinic ran out of liquid nitrogen. Yep, that’s right, ran out. So anyway, Dr Y&F told us that we needed to get a blood test done on, or after, the 25 July. We actually asked whether we needed a blood test six months after each donation and she said no, just after the first one. There is the three month window period in which HIV can be undetectable, with an extra three months to serve the legal cooling off requirement. So recently, she told us that the quality of DDX’s first deposit was not good and she would not be comfortable with us using it. So, this month, we were all expecting to inseminate with DDX (from the second batch) when we find out (as always, only by us asking plenty of questions) that the second batch can not be used until they get another blood test dated after 5 August i.e. six months after the deposit was made. With DDX overseas, each blood test costs us a couple of hundred dollars and them a lot of logistical stress. If we had known it was due on 5 August, we would have done it then, given we didn’t inseminate until mid August. (Although the clinic wouldn’t let us start at CD1 until they had the blood test results). This news came along with the massive price hike for the second insemination and left us feeling pretty angry with the clinic. They make the whole thing so difficult by not communicating with us about what is required, nor being flexible to our needs as fertile people wanting to access the services within a wellness model rather than just being on the medication rollercoaster. So we decided that we would draw a line at what we were prepared to pay, and that we would go ahead with an insemination this month (one IUI only) with DDX’s substandard sperm and meanwhile ask DDY (who is in town for work for a few months) if he was willing to do a couple of DIYs with us. We were committed to using DDX as we had agreed to alternate between them and we had used DDY last month. Combining the two means that who the bio dad is may be unknown until after the birth, but this was something we had all talked about as an option earlier on.
Why I am a crap fertility monitor
I have never been much good at fertility monitoring. I gave up on temperature charting. I tried, but it was just so tedious, and I found the results too hard to decipher, our digital thermometer too hard to use, and besides, because we knew we were going through a clinic, I didn’t feel a genuine need to keep close track. From the fertility clinic’s monitoring, I knew that I ovulated around CD18/19. I pay attention to cervical mucous. But given that we are now facing the prospect of DIY, I decided that we should be monitoring more closely. Once again, turning to Stephanie Brill’s advice, I decided we should begin cervical analysis with a speculum. A speculum is not an easy thing for a girl to lay her hands on in this town. After three calls to the local sexual health and family planning centre, and having to speak to three layers of management there, I finally convinced the senior nurse to give me one (I was happy to buy one but they wouldn’t sell it). She demanded explanations all about our family composition, the technique I was planning to use, then she left me a plastic speculum in a brown paper bag with my name on it behind the counter. And I raced over and picked it up in my lunch break. Not bad. We are yet to use it though. But I feel all the more virtuous for having it.
DDY goes DIY
The next step was to ask DDY whether he was interested in DIY. This was never in the plan. They were always going to be overseas and we had always been thinking in terms of the clinic. We all like the intermediary that the clinic played. We had plans to see DDY for dinner next weekend, but with the realization that, all going to plan, I will be ovulating early next week, we made this rushed approach, and I emailed him saying there was something that we needed to talk to him about and arranged for us to meet him for a drink after work yesterday. It was lovely to see him, as we hadn’t yet caught up with him since he’s been back. And we chatted so happily. I then explained to him about some of the troubles we were having with the clinic, and my decision to go off the drugs. This then led nicely into asking whether he was interested in helping us out, that if we continued with clinic inseminations with DDX and did DIYs with him. He paused, thought about it briefly, and then agreed. He said ‘sure, let’s discuss in more detail next weekend when we catch up for dinner.’ We then had to explain that it was a bit more pressing than that and that we were planning to inseminate early next week. He was happy about it, but a bit concerned it might be a little bit weird. But he’s got this wonderful ‘chalk it up to experience’ approach, so we all agreed that we’d try it and see how we felt about it and as always, an opt out option remained for us all if anyone felt uncomfortable. So, we are going to provide him with an appropriate jar (which Lo is going to give him at work on Monday as they work in the same district) and then we are going to collect it in the evenings after work and try and do inseminations over a few consecutive days, depending on my ovulation. So that’s exciting, but a whole new ball game and I’m having to re-read chapters of all my lesbian conception books that I never paid attention to before. And of course, Lo’s dad then contacts us saying that he’s going to be in town on the night we’re likely to do the first insem with DDY and can he stay at our place. There’s no way we can say no, so we resign ourselves to sneaking out to collect sperm and sneaking in to our bedroom to inseminate.
How artichokes come into all this
Lo and I both love Lesbiandad’s story of the donation being made in an artichoke jar and then when they were pregnant them taking an artichoke plant to the donor as a gift. (I think this is in Confessions of the Other Mother). I love this. So we decided that an artichoke jar would be best for us. I then discover Stephanie Brill also recommends this – I think something about its wide opening –so, now Lo and I are in search of artichoke jars. Not being big artichoke fans, it’s a whole foray into a new aisle of the supermarket and a bit like the pregnancy test, we need to find the perfect special jar of artichokes.
Meanwhile, drama returns
Just when everything starts lining up so well something strange happens. I gained a bit of weight last cycle, I think the combinations of the drugs (I am going to blame them for everything) and being afraid to exercise during the 2WW. So lately, I have been trying to pick up the pace on the exercise. I did a very high impact aerobics class on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday. On Wednesday (before the class) I noticed a very small amount of spotting. I thought it might have been the hard-core exercise dislodged something or caused a small tear. It is now Friday and it’s still coming. It’s less like spotting and more like a very very light period. I called Buffy about it this morning and she seemed to think it was fine. I am due in tomorrow for a blood test and ultrasound so we will see what that says. But it worries me. With Lo on the computer for her assignment all the time (I am typing this on our very old lap top that I will then transfer and upload to the other computer) I have not had much opportunity to ask Dr Google. (I did for a moment at work, but typing mid-cycle bleeding into your work computer is not always the best look). But it’s making me a bit worried about whether we can even go ahead this cycle, what this means, and whether it’s to do with the drugs from last month having stuffed up my cycle? I will probably have a better indication when the blood tests and ultrasound results come back.
But at least the clinic isn’t quite so bad anymore
Then this afternoon the regional manager of the infertility clinic company called me about our blood test issue and the cost of the second insemination. He said that Dr Y&F was happy for us not to need a second blood test to be done. He also said that she would waive her fee for the second insemination, thus reducing the inordinate cost by about half. Both of these are very good items of news. I took the opportunity to give him some feedback about our frustrations, reiterating that we were happy to comply with whatever their procedures were, but needed to have these communicated to us with enough time for us to implement them. I told him how hard it was to make decisions with no information. I told him that from a business perspective, there was a captive market of people like us, but that they did not make it easy for us. He was so receptive to my feedback and is actually attending a workshop with all the staff from the clinics this weekend about how to enhance the patient experience, where he said he would use this call as a case study. I took the opportunity to sing Buffy’s praises. He wished Lo and I all the very best for our cycle and was really very good with dealing with the issues which is just so refreshing.
And so
And so we are now with decent insemination prospects, excellent known donor arrangements, a free speculum in a bag with my name on it, a newfound appreciation for artichoke and then this weird spotting, period, mid-cycle bleeding episode to mess things around. Please think of me tomorrow with the blood test and ultrasound. It would be good to have some answers, and for this bleeding to stop.
Teaser
Sorry I have been off the airwaves. I don’t feel like I have because I have been writing blog entries in my head all week. At the gym, at my desk at work, in the shower. I feel like you guys know it all. I have been off line as I had an assignment due on Monday that took the best part of last week and the weekend. And then Lo had an assignment due (which is due tomorrow) so no sooner had I got off the computer, she got on, and hasn’t really left. So, getting a second computer is starting to look like a neccesity. Life is going at breakneck speed, I just got home from being out of the house for 14hrs straight and can no longer keep life going at this pace. Luckily, I am starting to divest myself of all my over-obligations. Anyway, so much has happened, and will tomorrow post my blogger’s digest, which incorporate them all and will update on:
1) how much i love my acupuncturist – my first crush on a man
2) how very much we hate the clinic and how difficult they’re making it for us to pursue non-medicated options
3) how difficult it is to find a speculum in this town
4) how we are doing the KNOWN DONOR thing, this month!!
5) artichokes.
Intrigued? Stop on by tomorrow night (AEST).
Down on her luck
We got back from our trip yesterday. AF arrived Saturday. More painful cramps than usual and heavier. I thought it was coming on Saturday when I woke up, and by mid morning, while we were wandering round some art gallery with my sister and her partner, there it was.
Despite this we had a good break. It was very good to be away and to be around other people. We didn’t tell my sister about our ttcing. The timing wasn’t right (and to be honest, we weren’t sure how she’d react. She’s a different variety of lesbian to us in many ways, and not that into kids). We were sad that this time didn’t work, but it felt ok… Lo and I found lots of space over the weekend to talk and it was nice to be away. We did lots of walks in the country, saw a wombat in the wild (the first time I have seen this), and some newborn lambs that were so cute. It gave us space to talk and dream, about our family, and about our future more broadly.
In terms of the practicalities, we’ve decided to go off the drugs, at least for this next cycle. I hated what the HCG shot did to me, I hated not being able to interpret my post insem symptoms thanks to an overload of pregnancy hormones, I hated the fear of finding myself pregnant with five babies overtaking my desire to have one. My instinct is, research aside, for me as an (apparently) fertile woman, the drugs kicking around in my system hindered my ability to respond to the cycle openly. While doing the insem, Dr Y&F said “next cycle, remind me to lower your dose, because really you should only produce one egg,” If we’re only after one egg, then that’s what my body does without drugs. And if the HCG is to make me ovulate, I know I already do that naturally. So in September, we will do an IUI with no drugs.
On donors, our agreement with our known donors is that we will alternate between them each month. We didn’t want to choose between them, and that’s what felt right to us, and they were comfortable with to. We choose to start with DDY as we have more of his sperm. In September, we will use DDX for our natural IUI cycle. DDY is back in town for a few months, and we will consider using him for a DIY in October. We don’t want to undercut DDX from the process and feel like we should try IUI’s with them both before moving on to the next stage. We also don’t yet feel able to have a conversation with DDY about DIY, nor the stress of managing timing and scheduling in this context. We’ll look towards it as a possibility for October.
Even though we just got started, I am feeling the clock ticking. We have until November. That’s three more cycles until we move away and things get a lot more complicated logistically. Not impossible. But more complicated. But I feel like I will feel calmer with the no drugs approach, at least this month, I am not ready to go back on that crazy mouse wheel.
We went to the clinic for the blood test to prove that I am really not pregnant this morning. I announced that I would not be doing the drugs this cycle and I convinced them to allow me to do an IUI and an ICI (i.e. intravaginal) a day apart. This feels like a good option for me and I am really proud that I am doing it my way. I ran into a lesbian I know, who I used to be quite good friends with, at the clinic. We then emailed for a good part of the day, swapping notes on our experience. It was so good to be in touch with someone in the same situation as me.
Then, today, our car broke. Badly. I think the road-trip was its last hurrah. It needs very expensive repairs, which are worth more than we can sell it for. This is complicated because we are going away in three months, otherwise we would buy a new car. We live where public transport is difficult and time consuming. Hiring a car is very expensive for that period of time. Buying and selling a car is expensive and risky in the time period. So we are faced with begging, stealing and borrowing to keep us on wheels for the next few months. With no family nearby, we have few people to call favours from. One friend has offered to lend us her car while she’s away next week, so that’s a start. And if we can cobble together enough short-term offers we should be able to patch something together and pay for a hire car, or endure public transport, in the interim. This really stuffs things up and is so not what we need right now.
