Down on her luck

We got back from our trip yesterday. AF arrived Saturday. More painful cramps than usual and heavier. I thought it was coming on Saturday when I woke up, and by mid morning, while we were wandering round some art gallery with my sister and her partner, there it was.

Despite this we had a good break. It was very good to be away and to be around other people. We didn’t tell my sister about our ttcing. The timing wasn’t right (and to be honest, we weren’t sure how she’d react. She’s a different variety of lesbian to us in many ways, and not that into kids). We were sad that this time didn’t work, but it felt ok… Lo and I found lots of space over the weekend to talk and it was nice to be away. We did lots of walks in the country, saw a wombat in the wild (the first time I have seen this), and some newborn lambs that were so cute. It gave us space to talk and dream, about our family, and about our future more broadly.

In terms of the practicalities, we’ve decided to go off the drugs, at least for this next cycle. I hated what the HCG shot did to me, I hated not being able to interpret my post insem symptoms thanks to an overload of pregnancy hormones, I hated the fear of finding myself pregnant with five babies overtaking my desire to have one. My instinct is, research aside, for me as an (apparently) fertile woman, the drugs kicking around in my system hindered my ability to respond to the cycle openly. While doing the insem, Dr Y&F said “next cycle, remind me to lower your dose, because really you should only produce one egg,” If we’re only after one egg, then that’s what my body does without drugs. And if the HCG is to make me ovulate, I know I already do that naturally. So in September, we will do an IUI with no drugs.

On donors, our agreement with our known donors is that we will alternate between them each month. We didn’t want to choose between them, and that’s what felt right to us, and they were comfortable with to. We choose to start with DDY as we have more of his sperm. In September, we will use DDX for our natural IUI cycle. DDY is back in town for a few months, and we will consider using him for a DIY in October. We don’t want to undercut DDX from the process and feel like we should try IUI’s with them both before moving on to the next stage. We also don’t yet feel able to have a conversation with DDY about DIY, nor the stress of managing timing and scheduling in this context. We’ll look towards it as a possibility for October.

Even though we just got started, I am feeling the clock ticking. We have until November. That’s three more cycles until we move away and things get a lot more complicated logistically. Not impossible. But more complicated. But I feel like I will feel calmer with the no drugs approach, at least this month, I am not ready to go back on that crazy mouse wheel.

We went to the clinic for the blood test to prove that I am really not pregnant this morning.  I announced that I would not be doing the drugs this cycle and I convinced them to allow me to do an IUI and an ICI (i.e. intravaginal) a day apart.  This feels like a good option for me and I am really proud that I am doing it my way.  I ran into a lesbian I know, who I used to be quite good friends with, at the clinic.  We then emailed for a good part of the day, swapping notes on our experience.  It was so good to be in touch with someone in the same situation as me.

Then, today, our car broke.  Badly.  I think the road-trip was its last hurrah.  It needs very expensive repairs, which are worth more than we can sell it for.  This is complicated because we are going away in three months, otherwise we would buy a new car.   We live where public transport is difficult and time consuming.  Hiring a car is very expensive for that period of time.  Buying and selling  a car is expensive and risky in the time period.  So we are faced with begging, stealing and borrowing to keep us on wheels for the next few months.   With no family nearby, we have few people to call favours from.  One friend has offered to lend us her car while she’s away next week, so that’s a start.  And if we can cobble together enough short-term offers we should be able to patch something together and pay for a hire car, or endure public transport, in the interim.  This really stuffs things up and is so not what we need right now.

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