Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the Discrimination category.
Revelations
It’s been a very good weekend. (Apart from the Saturday morning spent at work, but even that makes me feel like I am starting a very busy week on a firm footing, and I have been uber productive on the home/personal admin front for the rest of the weekend.) Lo & I had a really really good conversation yesterday afternoon, a long D&M most of which took place lying in our bed looking out to the gum trees and open sky outside our window. I feel like we have reached some peace on the parental relations:
- Lo realised that she misjudged her mother and the relationship they have when she decided to tell about our plans to ttc. She was doing it in a place of openness and intimacy, but the mother mistook it for permission-seeking. She’s been shocked by the revelation that her mum has not moved forward as much as she had thought she had on the gay acceptance stuff. The charade of acceptance was much easier to deal with than the honesty that came to light two weeks ago.
- We both realised that people (or at least the kind of people that constitute our families of origin) do not want to know the details of our reproductive life (i.e. that we have one) and will feel that they need to give their views if they are engaged on it. We have decided we would prefer not to hear their views.
- We will not tell my family or the rest of hers until the 3 month pregnant mark. Then we will tell the news in good faith and with excitement and let them deal with how they choose to respond. This has been standard practice in my family with the birth of my nieces and nephews. My mother is actually quite ambivalent about babies. We need to draw a line on our responsibility not give these people too much of a stake by engaging them in the process. We are married and so hopefully, at least for some, having a baby seems like a logical next step.
- However, I know that people will be surprised by the pregnancy, given my work situation (i.e. that I am going overseas to work for three years and will not be taken long maternity leave) I think they have tagged me as a career girl and that there’s a baby on board will come as a shock. I am sure that my mother will have something to say about me planning to take 12 weeks maternity leave and for Lo to stay home with the baby.
- But we’re learning that as mothers, women are always judged, and we’d better be prepared to face criticisms at this stage as I am sure they’ll follow once we have a baby. Everyone will always have something to say on our choices on work/family, breast/bottle, homebirth, co-sleeping, modern cloth nappies etc etc.
- My mother would probably prefer to deal with this privately, and with as little information as possible. My father will probably be supportive as we are close and he’s pretty low-key. My brothers and sister will probably not care very much either way. It’s very sad to me if this is going to cause my mum pain, but I need to draw a line.
- Lo’s mother has assumed all this power by being brought into our confidence. Which has been an expensive lesson that we’ve learnt the hard way. We don’t want to duplicate the situation with my family. Given that we’ve made up our minds, we don’t want to start a dialogue.
- Lo and I have both realised, and agreed, that we have a lot of work to do on our relationships with our respective mothers. A lot. (I am sure that you, dear reader, are saying ‘d’uh!’ right now, but this was a bit of a revelation to us).
So, in part, this is an adventure about faith in our own convictions. We had a lovely time in B.orders this morning where I read a good part of Knock Yourself Up: No Man, No Problem: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom. The author is a lesbian, but the book is geared to all single women contemplating single-parenthood. I am so desparate to get my hands on any queer-focussed ttc literature, that I devoured it in childrens literature section as story-time took place around me (and Lo read something on food and ethics and farmers markets next to me). There were some good chapters on donor sperm and known donor arrangements. The known donor arrangements profiled were all disastrous and fraught with custody battles. We still feel intuitively good about our donors, but open to other options if need be, and still a bit perplexed by the silence on the email. The sperm comes out of quarantine this Friday (I can’t believe it’s come round!) and they’ve said they’ll do their blood tests that day to get the results as quickly as possible. The test results; the consent forms; a period; and then lift-off. I am really glad we’ve reached some resolution on the parent-telling stuff. That feels like a big break-through and the best decision in the circumstances.
Family values?
Lo told her mother tonight. They went for dinner and I met them afterwards. I had been at another dinner and then a class at the gym. I had no idea what I was walking into when I went to meet them. Lo’s mother told me that Lo had told her our news and that there were three components of her response:
1. She was worried for the child – and how it would feel and be treated because it had lesbian parents
2. She was worried about our arrangement with our donors – while it might seem so great now, they could fall in love with the baby and try to gain custody
3. She did not want us to do it. Did not agree with it. Would prefer we didn’t do it. Would prefer we weren’t gay and were just really good friends. But has undertaken to not mention that again.
She was at pains to point out that she knew it was coming. She loves to come across like she knows what’s going on before we do. And, because she said all this in a calm tone with a smile on her face, this is meant to be a good outcome. There was no mention of being supportive, no mention of seeing the child as her grandchild (it would be her first), and she did not want to hear anything at all about the process (and felt it was inappropriate that Lo was volunteering this information). And she perceives that her harsh judgement of us would have no negative consequences to her (i.e. she can say these things to us without feeling like we will judge her or cut her off). I have so many feelings, which I think I will write about in coming posts, but basically Lo and I are pretty disappointed. . .And I am now thinking a letter would be a good way to go when it comes to telling my parents.
And, in case you’re wondering, Lo and I both separately responded to the mother’s points with the same arguments, which I am certain you, dear reader, are all too familiar with:
1. That the reason children of same sex parents get bullied is the fault of parents who bring up children who are homophobic bullies rather than gay people who bring up well-adjusted children. Research shows that children of same sex couples are no worse off than other kids, and generally more resilient and accepting of diversity.
2. We see our arrangement with our donors as a leap of faith, and feel open to how that might play out in the future. We support some contact between the children and the donors, and if somehow it turns out that there’s a shared custody arrangement, this wouldn’t be the worst outcome ever. We were conscious and intentional about wanting to facilitate contact and access to positive male role models and are open to how that might work out, knowing the risks, but also what we see as the advantages of a known donor arrangement. We trust our instincts and the good arrangement we have set up.
3. I am not even going to respond to that one. We agreed to put that one aside.
It’s been one of those weeks..
…where I feel like I am doing way too much.. I can’t believe I totally forgot about Blogging for LGBT Families Day when it had been the highlight of my foray into blogging. Although, I think that I can shift some of the blame onto my workplace. While eating my lunch, I used to make a daily stop by Mombian and catch up on a daily digest of news from the world of lesbo parenting, as well as a good round-up of GLBT news in general.. I’d also make a stop at Lesbiandad and partake in a great essay or a cute photo. This is in a workplace where surfing the net is de rigueur and there is no shortage of hits from my colleagues to random personal interest sites of all varieties. Suffice to say, after happily checking in to these sites, about a month ago, when I clicked on both sites, they came up with a huge red stop-sign screen, warning me of inappropriate content and blocking my access. I checked the workplace’s reasonable use of the internet policy, and confirmed that I was definitely not in breach of any of the guidelines. In fact, there was nothing in their content that could be classified as ‘unreasonable’. I’ll never be sure if the workplace has just upped the netnanny software, or, more likely, seen the word lesbian, and banned it. Because in a place that has equal provisions for same sex partners and a pretty progressive HR policy, the word lesbian is still so inappropriate. Even when the website is more about civil rights, parenting and children’s literature than it ever is about sex. Even when I had already mentally checked-off how defensible these sites were before clicking on them. Because I am in a position where I need to choose my battles, this one is going through to the keeper. And because this kind of stuff is so subtle that it does make you doubt yourself. That little voice that starts to wonder maybe there is something entirely inappropriate about a lesbian parenting site compared to a straight one? So, anyway, rather than being reminded by Mombian that Blogging for LGBT families day was coming up so I could go home and write a blog entry, it passed me right by…
Lo & I are off for the long weekend with a group tomorrow, and spent last weekend out of town. I have exams in a week or so, and no wonder I feel like I am not sure where I am going to find the time to study. While complaining how busy things are, while we were in Melbourne, Lo & I bought My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy and I must admit I have been getting my lesbian parenting fix reading it. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this book. I was worried that I’d find Askowitz neurotic and annoying, but I really loved it and thought that it was the most accurate portrayal of lesbian post-break-up dynamics and so honest, but warm and delightful, at the same time. Lo is in the bath right now reading her way to the end of it and I can’t wait to hear what she thinks. Then, it’s going straight into my book-sharing lesbian ttc circle.
