Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the Fertility drugs category.
For a minute there, I lost myself…
Yesterday was so intense and totally took me by surprise. In the night, this line from Radiohead was going around in my head ‘for a minute there, I lost myself…’ It was how I felt. The HCG shot gave me a really bad trip. I was having such a hard time. When we went to bed, Lo really calmed me down making me do relaxation exercises and deep breathing as well as us having a really good conversation about all the options we have. Today I feel a lot better. But I think the whole insemination experience really split me open, more than I can probably describe here.
I am pretty certain that the HCG shot was a big contributer. It did not agree with me. I don’t think I could see at the time what effect it was having, but it really knocked me off-kilter. We talked about asking/telling Dr Y&F that we don’t want to do the booster shots (1500 which I am meant to do on Wednesday (4 DPO) and Friday (6 DPO)) because I reacted so badly. I am still thinking that might be good idea, but I have a few days to decide. I really scared myself with the thoughts I was having last night. It brought up so many issues.
Despite our planning, thinking, reading and talking, I don’t think I had quite processed my feelings about having sperm in my body. I felt changed. My five star lesbianism was suddenly gone. I have never even kissed a boy so to suddenly have such an intimate experience with sperm threw me. It was something Lo and I had talked about in the early days of thinking about ttc, but hadn’t revisted. I feel really good about our donor, and his count is great, and am glad to know it’s him, but it was a strange sensation last night, feeling all bloated and imagining something starting to grow inside me. Suddenly it felt very real. Moving from the abstract to the potential was quite a leap.
And, this is going to sound really dumb, but maths is definitely not my strong point. I misread one of the pregnancy books that had a chart for working out your due date. I thought you calculated it from the date of your missed period, rather than your last period, so I had been thinking that a baby we conceived now would be due in June and that I would be just over three months pregnant at Christmas. When we got home from the appointment, I was re-reading one of the first lesbian TTC blogs I came across and seeing that the baby they conceived in early August was due in May (and ended up arriving in April). I couldn’t believe it, so exclaimed to Lo and she was like ‘yeah, I thought the June thing sounded a bit strange’ but she remained totally relaxed. So I typed my expected due date into one of those pregnancy due date calcuators, which told me I was 3 weeks pregnant. I had just inseminated that day! I wasn’t ready to be three weeks pregnant! I know I am really not, and I realise that is how they counted it, but I hadn’t quite applied it to our specifics.
The reason the timing stuff is such a big deal is because there’s some complexities with my work. I don’t think the date really makes a difference, but June just had different optics than May, given that I am starting in a new role in the beginning of January. Lo says ‘they’ll judge you anyway, so judging you in May or June makes no difference.’ And I think that’s right. And in my rational mind, the baby will come at the right time and the time that’s best for us. We started now because we’re ready to start our family. It’s not like I love my job either. And I definitely didn’t want to delay my personal reproduction to fit in with my work’s timetable. There’s just a lot at stake. When Lo and I were talking about it, we worked out that it is because my family are small business owners that I have grown up with this anxiety about leave and time off work and have this strange sense of obligation. My work entitlements about leave are pretty clearly articulated. So, this is one thing I should definitely stop caring about (and do, when I am in a more rational mind, but last night I definitely was not).
We chose to start now because we’re ready. We also knew that we only had until November, so wanted to maximise our chances, which is also why we chose to go with the drugs, to minimise the sperm encounters, maximise our use of a limited sperm supply and limit the number of months spent visiting the clinic visits. Lo remains incredibly calm and firmly believes that all works out for the best. I am still processing where things are up to. But am feeling so much better today. I took a yoga class and took care of my stomach during it. I have started checking what foods to aviod during pregnancy and how to exercise. The clinic’s instructions said no strenous exercise, but my class was gentle and I need to keep myself moving. I am feeling ok, just still overwhelmed.
Tomorrow!
Buffy just called. I am surging. Finally. And so I take the trigger shot at 3pm this afternoon, and then we have the insemination appointment tomorrow morning (I give up on even predicting how this works, obviously it’s not 36 hrs later – but the clinic has the best success rates in Australia so I trust them – and I am glad it’s Saturday as I was going to be having to do some rescheduling if it were Sunday or Monday).
how
exciting!
I am so glad I am at home today. Best decision ever. I could take the call without having to whisper and can have the trigger shot at the best time, rather than trying to race home from work to do it.
I love Buffy.
(I don’t think I can convey exactly how cool Buffy is. Lo has decided she wants to be Buffy when she’s older. I want to clone Buffy and appoint her to every profession we need throughout this process, midwife, nanny, caring and accepting parent. She’s just the greatest, ever.)
The good, the bad and the uncertain
The Good
When I arrived on Wednesday for the blood test and ultrasound regime, all ready to be my most assertive self, the young nurse greeted me by saying straight away ‘Do you want me to get the other nurse to do it?’ and then she insisted that she would get the nurse. So I enjoyed (never thought I’d say that) the experienced hands of Buffy and left a lot less punctured than I had been previously.
The Bad
Lo & I are having a holiday with my parents in Sydney in October (This is good news in itself). They are coming over from my home town and we’re going to spend a few days in the city before driving back to where Lo & I live. The plan was for us to book a two bedroom apartment for the four of us to stay in altogether.
Background: My parents house has a few different guest bedrooms as they’re now empty nested in the family home. One room has a single bed, one room has a queen bed, and one room has twin singles. When Lo & I first went to visit together for me to introduce Lo to them, my mother insisted that it was on the condition we have separate bedrooms ‘I just believe in single beds for single people,’ she said. At that time, in the interest of building a relationship and demonstrating respect for her rules (which could have equally been applied to heteros) we agreed to go with it. So Lo had the queen bed and I stayed in the room with two singles in it. I would sneak into to A and cuddle her briefly in the night, but we obediently stuck to the separate beds regime. We expected there would be a relaxing of the regime as we all got to know each other better.
The next two times we visited were at Christmas time, so each time my older brother and his wife and my niece and nephew were also staying. This meant that my brother and his wife got the queen bed, the room with one single bed got made up to accommodate the two kids, and Lo & I stayed in the room with twin single beds (pushed against opposite walls and with a bedside table wedged firmly in between). I think we were all relieved that my brother’s presence gave us an excuse not to have to deal with this issue.
When my parents visit us they live under our rules which means that we sleep in our bed as usual and we provide them with a queen bed in the guest room. It seems to work ok, with plenty of discretion.
So, back to the apartment booking in Sydney ( I bet you can see where this is going..), my father offered to pay for the accommodation, which was generous. So he and I were on the telephone while he was booking online and there was an option for the composition of how the rooms in the apartment would be made up: one king and two twin singles or two kings. So my dad says to me as he’s booking: “What do you want, twin singles or king?” and I say “Dad, I’ll leave that to you, I expect you can figure that out,’ then he says ‘Well I know what mum would prefer,” then I say ‘Dad….’ then he says (as though acquiescing to a petulant demand from a little girl wanting an ice cream) ‘ Oh, Ok then, two King rooms it is.’ I could feel my mother’s awkwardness about it all down the telephone line as she stood in the background to the telephone call. I could have been less evasive, rather than my ‘I’ll let you figure it out, I don’t want to name that I want to share a bed with my wife’ I could have launched an anti-homophobia pro-acceptance tirade, but then do I have to? (and in my experience this doesn’t always work so well). I am sure some of you are thinking, why are we holidaying together if there’s this much homophobia? (particularly as my parents were at our wedding – you would think they would have come to terms with the fact that we sleep together by now!) But I expect we’ll have a great ole time as we always do. But sitting with this tension is hard and managing the complexities of it all!
I think I’m just a bit surprised that this is still where they’re at.. What are they going to do when we have kids, put them in the double and us in the twin singles? And what will happen when we go there this Christmas when my brother won’t be there to provide the alibi for why we need to be in the twin singles? Now that we’re married, the ’single beds for single people’ line just doesn’t cut it! I do think that it’s time to demand/ suggest more.
The Uncertain
I have the longest cycle known to man. I have been pumping Puregon for thirteen days now, since CD5. Tomorrow will be CD18 and I have another blood test and ultrasound scheduled. At my last ultrasound, on Wednesday, the sonographer said that I had two follicles that were neck and neck in terms of size and development. I am not sure what this will mean in terms of chances for multiples. A and I are feeling like we’re just going to go with it, and whilst we were originally worried about a multiple birth, we now feel more comfortable and open to the prospect if that’s what happens. Dr Y&F is very anti-multiples, so we’ll see what she says, but we discussed this prior to her deciding on this very low dose of the drugs.
Anyway, I had expected that I would be doing the trigger shot on Thursday for a Saturday insemination (you’re meant to take it 36 hours in advance), but they want me to do more ultrasounds and blood tests tomorrow morning, Friday, meaning I won’t get the results till tomorrow afternoon, meaning the insemination is likely to be Sunday (CD19) or Monday (CD20). It’s really hard not knowing when it’s going to happen, and it’s feeling really drawn out. My cycles have been a religious 32 days, with the occasional 34 day cycle, so I know it’s a long process, but Buffy had said we’d inseminate between 11 – 15 August, so I am feeling like I’ve been waiting ages. I also get worried that I’ll ovulate in between my every-second-day appointments, although it’s reassuring to see the follicles on the screen, and I think the drugs are meant to manage all that. I get the sense they know what they’re doing and are monitoring things pretty closely and I trust Dr Y&F.
When I was thinking the insemination would be one day this week, I had it in my mind that I would take the day off sick and that Lo would arrange a day off work also. But now it looks like that’s not likely to happen. So I decided tonight that I would take tomorrow off as a mental health day anyway. I am really strung out at the moment, which is not where I should be right before the insemination, and figure having a day off will allow me to get my life in order, catch up on some study and relax a bit. So we have an 8am appointment, then I’ll drop Lo off at work, go to a yoga class and then spend the rest of the day at home. I can’t wait. (It also means if I end up having to take Monday off for the insemination it looks like I am legitimately ill). Dr Y&F does the insems in her lunch break and has suggested we come in our lunchbreak and go back to work, but I don’t want to do that, at least not this first time.
Patient assertiveness
The past week has been a blur of morning injections, then blood test and ultrasound appointments at the clinic. They keep seeming to expect an LH surge even though I tried to explain to Buffy & co that I had a 32 day cycle at the outset. However, from about last week, each time they call me with results, they tell me, as though I will be surprised, ‘it’s early days yet.’ They suggested that the drugs speed up your cycle, but I haven’t seen evidence of that yet. According to my personal calculations, I expect we’ll inseminate on Saturday, or possibly Friday, with a trigger shot preceding. So the early days are over. But the process has been a good way of keeping an eye on my developing follicles and making sure I am not reacting crazily to the drugs (which, by the way, I seem to have totally adjusted to and now have no side effects).
We have another date tomorrow morning with the dildo-cam and the evil woman who does the blood tests and can’t find my veins. Lo believes that she’s some plant from the religious right who’s purposely got a job at an IVF clinic so as to torture by multiple needle pricks the women that go there. Each time I have seen her, she has missed my veins twice, and then had to call a more experienced nurse (cue Buffy), to complete the test. The worst of it is, on the third day she did this routine, she looked at me blankly and said “I haven’t missed with you before have I?” to which I responded, “yes, actually, each time I’ve been here,” as if my track marked arms weren’t evidence enough.
She’s young and I have actually been very nice to her and understanding about the whole thing for most of the time, in apologetic patient mode, making small talk and telling her not to worry about it at all and chastisting myself for not having drunk enough water that morning. However, I have never had this problem with a blood test before, so I think a lot has to do with her inexperience and technique. She doesn’t tie the tourniquet very tight, which probably doesn’t help and she seems to lack confidence. When I tried to suggest that Buffy had tied the tourniquet tight and that had worked well, she said “but I don’t want to hurt you”. I refrained from telling her that the multiple jabs, and track marked arms, were far worse.
The other thing is, once she’s missed on one arm, but pierced the skin and drawn blood, she tries the other arm and doesn’t change the needle. I notice that when the other nurse comes in to take over, they always change the entire thing, new needle, new syringe, the whole lot. I know it’s just my own body, so there’s no chance of contracting something, but I don’t think it’s good practice to keep trying with the same needle, is it? It also probably means that the needle is blunter, thus making the second or third attempt more painful. Anyway, my inner-elbows just can’t keep this up, so tomorrow, I am going to go in all assertive and tell her “You may recall that we’ve had some trouble finding my veins the past few days. I’ve done what I can to make this easier by drinking plenty of water, I’d appreciate it if you can try and make this a bit easier by tying the tourniquet tight. If you miss and need to try the other arm, I would prefer it if you use a new needle.”
So that’s my resolution for becoming a more assertive patient, a skill that I am sure will be handy to have. Let’s hope that tomorrow’s blood test (once it happens) shows that something is starting to happen. Lo and I are both feeling pretty relaxed and good about the process and have settled into this new routine, but let’s hope we don’t need to keep it up too much longer.
Romancing the sperm
You may have read my earlier post here about the way that courting our donors brought out this inner-hetero in me that wanted to clean and cook and make sure everything was perfect for ‘our guys.’ Well lately, I’ve had this strange desire to make sure that I’ll be at my absolute best for the insemination. It’s like I think the little sperm will be able to look out and decide whether or not it wants to make a home in me based on the silky smoothness of my legs or the colour of my toenails. So I spent far too much of my Saturday at the beauty salon getting my legs waxed and today I just had my hair cut for the first time since January (it’s long, and I normally get away with cutting it myself). I feel like I’m getting ready to go to a ball…It is nice to feel prepared and to have something else to be working on to pass the time. I guess I am also conscious of wanting to look my best in front of Dr Y&F.
And I was about to write about how today is the first day where I’ve felt totally normal and have not been conscious of the fertility drugs. However, I just went in to the bathroom to shown Lo (who’s in the bath tub) a card I bought for good hetero friends of ours who have just gotten engaged. The woman is a true romantic and the proposal is a dream come true for her. When it was our wedding last year she bought us one of those huge, elaborate, embossed golden wedding cards with lots of sappy wording. We knew she was projecting all her nuptial desires onto us! Although the card was a little more elaborate than our own tastes, we really appreciated that she took our wedding so seriously (rather than the euphemistic congratulations cards we received. ) So, this afternoon, after the hairdresser, I took it upon myself to go and buy a similarly elaborate engagement card for us to give to them. I was pretty proud of myself as I found the ultimately cheesy prince-charming style card that I knew she was going to just love. So there I was showing Lo the card while she soaked in the tub, and in what only could be a moment of hormonally induced clumsiness, I somehow dropped the card on the floor, picked it up, spun around, and dropped it into the toilet! Arg! I have no idea how that happened. So, back to the newsagent tomorrow to try and track down another and I’m pretty sure this was the last one. Although there’s plenty of other designs to rival this one. This episode may just be me, and nothing to do with the drugs, but I would prefer to blame something!
Side effects?
I started the Puregon on Saturday morning. It’s not too bad. I made the mistake of reading the product disclosure statement about where the FSH drugs really come from, and discovered that it’s not quite the innocent pregnant women peeing in cups that I had imagined. It’s probably best not to know. The first day I got up to start and had Lo on hand passing me swabs. But as she hates needles, the whole thing freaked her out a bit. So now, while she’s in the shower, I am doing the injections. It’s pretty painless and hasn’t left any swelling or bruises on my stomach.
I’ve been trying to work out if the Puregon is giving me any side effects. The clinic said that because my dose is so low I shouldn’t expect any. But I have been ultra tuned-in to any twinge or ping coming from my ovaries. They’ve felt a little heavy and bloated and I am very conscious that I have something whizzing around my system that’s not normally there. I had a sore-throat just before I started this process, and being the middle of winter here, lots of illness is going around. Not sure if it is the continuation of the sore-throat or if it’s related to the drugs, but I’ve felt a bit tired and sore and headachy the past few days. And, I did get teary three times over the weekend, each over something pretty inane.
We’re off to the blood test on Wednesday morning to find out what these drugs have been doing (Dr Y&F had said, in her best naturopath impersonation, that they would ’support’ me through this phase of the cycle) and will have a better idea about next steps for this cycle in terms of scheduling ultrasounds and the insemination.
While Lo and I have been relaxed about taking the next few months or so to fall pregnant (timing wise, any time until December would work well for us), we’re suddenly both pretty keen on success the first time… It’s fine if it takes longer, but I would really prefer not to have to keep this up if we can avoid it (I know it’s been just three days!).
Nearly at the start line
The sperm has passed its quarantine period with the all clear. The consent forms have been received. My period has arrived – the last period for a long time that won’t mean anything. Our donors are modelling a perfect combination of being whole-heartedly detached and supportive at the same time. Despite some silent panic from our side about them getting blood tests done and consent forms organised, they provided everything on time, as requested and so happily. Dr Young and Funky called me to check in and said ’see you at the insemination!’ (that was a weird conversation to be having at my desk at work). We have spoken to Buffy the Sperm Nurse who wants us to come in for ‘Nurse Chat’ on Friday morning (this involves ticking a box called ‘Nurse Chat’ on a clipboard when we arrive in the waiting room, parting with a large sum of cash, being given a truckload of drugs and some advice on injecting.) I start the injectibles on Saturday morning and she expects we’ll start the blood tests and monitoring next Wednesday.
It sounds very perfect and it generally is. It was a tough few weeks in the lead-up, and Lo & I got really worried that things might fall through, for no apparent reason, except our donors don’t provide us with regular update emails – they just do what we ask of them. Lo thinks that the fact that they are complicit, but slightly non-communicant on the email, is exactly what we want from a donor. She would be worried about what it indicated about their emotional stake in the process if they were donors that were writing updates about each stage of the process with utter excitement. I think she’s right. They both wrote perfect things on the consent forms about their reason for donating being wanting to help us become parents because they thought that we’d be wonderful.
I’m pretty impressed that we have pulled this off. That we asked them and they said yes, that we’ve managed it in crazy timeframes and over a long and difficult distance. I was so pleased to see Lo’s face when all the forms and tests rolled into our inbox. She looked like the cat that got the cream and I know that the known donor arrangement, especially with them, makes a huge difference to how she feels. I am feeling really comfortable about our choice too and do feel such gratitude for our donors and the seemingly ultra-healthy dynamic we’ve got going with them.
We both freaked out that we’re about to start. It’s such a wild proposition that we could be pregnant in less than a month, or that we could be starting on a very long and emotionally draining rollercoaster of ttc efforts that will span many months. Sitting equally open to both eventualities is a tough ask. But we’re excited. In her phone conversation, Dr Young & Funky said ‘boy, six months is up already? that passed fast!’
It hasn’t from our perspective. Not at all. But it’s been very good to have a pre-ttc sabbatical imposed on us. So long to read, think, plan, prepare, become ready.
We’re ready. Let’s go.
Buffy, the sperm nurse
We went for our orientation at the fertility clinic today. We’re this ridiculously zealous pre-inseminating couple. We’ve still got six weeks until the sperm can come out of storage, and probably about eight weeks until we do our first IUI. But, as we’ve been waiting since last December, we’re eager to be as prepared as we can. So off we went for our first glimpse of the place where our sperm is waiting and where we’ll be inseminating. It’s a pleasant clinic. Neutral tones. Down lights. Quite glamorous really. Although the room where we’ll be inseminating looks a bit like a kitchen with a set of stirrups in it. I am planning on taking Stephanie Brill’s advice and making it our own, bringing in our insemination playlist.
Our Nurse Coordinator’s name is Buffy. I love this and loved her instantly because of it. I was imagining a funky, young dyke, but she’s actually a kindly and delightful middle aged woman, who is so neutral and non-judgemental. (Lo later tells me that Buffy is a well-known shortening for Elizabeth, but I never knew this and am still captured by the novelty of my kindly sperm nurse Buffy.)
In our last appointment with Dr Young & Funky, we decided on starting with a stimulated IUI. You can read about my grappling with whether to use drugs here. Even though most of the advice we received from other tccing lesbians was to the contrary, Lo & I have decided to go straight to stimulated IUI. I noticed that most advocates of no-drugs IUI had ended up having to ramp up their attempts to using drugs and IVF after a few unsuccessful cycles, and because time is of the essence for us, with an overseas move at the end of the year, and our sperm is frozen, thanks to known donors who are in another country, we’ve decided to go straight to what we think will work best with limited intervention and less ethical complexity than IVF. We figure that we’re not trying to recreate heterosex and would like to give this the best chance, and shortest timeframe, as possible.
So we’re going to be using Puregon, at a very low dose (50), and then a trigger shot and then something for a few days after the insemination (possibly the trigger shot or the Puregon again?). There will be a regime of blood tests and ultrasounds. I have completed all the blood tests and ultrasounds that are required before starting treatment, and just need to have my HSG (I have been waiting until closer to the time, as apparently if it’s had close to the time of insemination it increases your chances.)
Reading other blogs out there, including Vee and Jay’s staggering running total, we’re so fortunate to live in a country where our Medicare system covers most of the costs involved in this whole process. There’s a lot we had been shelling out for earlier in the process (sperm analysis, sperm storage and a plethora of tests for our donors) but thanks to the system here we’ll probably only end up out of pocket about $300 per month for over $2000 worth of treatment. Perhaps less with our health insurance on top of that.
So we’re on our way. It’s finally coming into sight. And I am so excited. There’s still mountains of administrivia before we’re home. Such as discovering a whole bunch of consent forms the clinic was meant to get our donors to sign when they deposited were not given to them to sign, meaning we are now having to send them across the world for them to sign (and find a witness for – which will be tricky for them to explain) and return. We also have to arrange their final blood tests and ensure that a third world doctor’s testing and diagnostic procedures are reliable enough to satisfy our doctor. And we do all this just to get to the starting line…
So far, our donors could not be more perfect. Lo and I are both a besotted with them. As such decent human beings. As such wonderful men. They have been so willing to go through this process so openheartedly. And for that we are grateful. Originally, our first ob/gyn (who we saw for our first appointment) said that we had to choose from one or the other and we were a bit trapped in a cycle of weighing up attributes and sperm quality. But we have since decided and told the clinic that we want to alternate between the donors each month. This was a bit of a revelation, but works for us. Because we entered into this with them as a couple. Because we equally couldn’t decide between one or the other of them, nor did we want to. Because storing two types of sperm protected us from waiting six months to find out that the sperm didn’t work so well. Because ideally we’d like for Lo to have our next baby with the other of them’s sperm. Because having this concept of a donor-couple really waters down the biology of it all. It’s our baby, but our friends are helping us. And such wonderful friends they are.
Even though I had been the original proponent of using an anonymous donor, I am so glad about how this has worked out for us so far. With the right men, known donor arrangements can work so well. As we all know, with the wrong men, they can be disastrous. I think distance always helps.
So that is where we are on a Thursday evening in June. It’s so cold outside. Lo is out for the evening. I am listening to a wonderful CD by Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu and contemplating a pile of dishes.
And the countdown is on.
