Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the IUI category.
Ch-ch-changes
You know this song “Turn and face the change, ch-ch-changes…” I have had this song stuck in my head for far too long. Lo told me this morning that it was time to get a new song after I had sung the same three lines once too many times. Here are the changes I have made this month:
- commenced acupuncutre with the wonderful wonderful wes
- given up soy milk – I love soy milk. It is the one hangover from my vegan days. I didn’t quite realise how detrimental to fertility it was, and with my restrictive diet it has been the one thing I can drink. But I have discovered I can drink cow milk. I am drinking organic full fat milk. (inspired by scary stories about low fat milk and that famous fertility diet study that showed that one serve of full fat dairy daily increased chances).
- cutting out all herbal teas except for the absolute safest ones.
- cervical monitoring with the spec-o-cam. (i.e. Lo, a speculum, a desk lamp anchored to our bedroom dresser and some KY jelly a.k.a. how not to start a night of hot lovin’)
- use of OPKs to second-guess when the clinic will detect my LH surge
- reading The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth for the trillionth time
- Lo and I are starting each day with an early morning walk. It’s so great to get the light behind our eyes, and with spring here it’s such beautiful early light, and troops of kangaroos bound right past us (I must post a photo). It’s also so good to get a chance to connect first.
- I have been mixing up my routine at the gym. I have cut out the high-impact classes that seemed to trigger the bleeding (which has now stopped), but am trying to do more yoga, cycling classes and swimming.
- I bought a meditation cd. I couldn’t find one especially for conception, but I figure any meditation will be so useful right now.
- I finally realised why our temparature tracking had been so hard. We couldn’t find a basal themometer when we started, after checking every chemist and getting blank stares when we asked the staff, so we just bought a normal digital one. It took about five minutes to get a reading. And even then it wasn’t that accurate. Now, I have found this new massive chemist warehouse, and discover that there is such a thing as the basal themometer. I bought one and am noticing the difference. Better late than never.
- Trusting intuition a bit more and feeling more empowered to have some ownership of the process.
- Realising that intuition can be trumped by science.
I thought that I would be surging today. I thought that our insem would be tomorrow. The delays in this cycle (which, thanks to Stephanie, I attribute to the full moon) have made life ultra complicated. Lo had a business trip interstate planned for tomorrow. I had a training course I was meant to be doing. So confident was I in the fact that we would inseminate tomorrow CD20 (after we didn’t insemiate on CD18 or 19 as I had thought), I cancelled my training course and organised to take the day off work (I used a complicated rouse about having an appointment with a specialist for a medical procedure that would require a day off – which I had been on the waitlist for a long time and the appointment had just come up thanks to a cancellation) which is all practically true. And then, my 3pm call from Buffy tells me that I am not surging. So, therefore there won’t be an insem tomorrow. So then, I had to explain that I would indeed be at work tomorrow (try explaining that one), and Lo proceeded on her business trip (she’s back tomorrow). Wes continues to stand by ready to do acupuncture once I have insemination times lined up. So now, I am home alone, trying to negotiate the spec-o-cam singlehandedly and monitoring all signs. Friday’s going to be really bad day to take off work as it’s my big boss’ final day after a long time of working together, so I really need to be there. And Saturday, in my voluntary capacity, I am running a training course all day, training volunteers who facilitate coming out groups for GLBT. Part of me feels like if we’re going to have time for a baby, we need to have time for making the baby, but life does go on. It’s so frustrating not having any indication in advance of timing, particularly as a lot depends on Dr Y&F’s availability, so there’s very little flexibility from our end, and this mega-cycle has really thrown my diary out of whack.
A little bit of infertility
Things are not going quite to plan this cycle. According to nurse #3 at the clinic, I have “a little bit of infertility.” “We have only tried once!” I cried. “I have a 32 day cycle!” I said in defence of the fact I had not yet ovulated at CD15. “Spotting can be a perfectly normal experience!” I am becoming the uber-assertive-Stephanie-Brill-says-there’s-nothing-wrong-with-me client ( I refuse to use the word patient).
It’s now CD17 and there are no fertile signs as yet. We’ve had a slight change of direction. Following the call from the clinic’s regional manager, we’re now able to inseminate twice at a reasonable price and with DDX’s good-quality second-batch sperm. While I still really like the idea of an at-home insemination (and said-artichoke jar has been purchased) I suddenly started to freak out about not knowing who the bio-dad was. I’d got so used to this monthly alternation model between our two donors. I never imagined myself to be a girl who did not know who had gotten her pregnant. It’s different to having an anon donor as we’d still have some conceptialisation of the sperm-donater. I just didn’t like the idea of having to examine the features of the baby to work out paternity. And not having a choice about whether we divulged this information or not because we didn’t know. And we felt like we wanted to try with DDX having tried with DDY last month and that that was part of the agreement we had with them both. So, now that we’re back with our clinic plan, we’re going to do the clinic insems with DDX this month and then do at-home insems with DDY next month (possibly supplemented with an IUI with DDY). We realised that we should probably just choose one approach and stick with it, but intuition is important. And we’re in control of this process and want to keep refining it. And thankfully our donors are so great.
So, it’s a stressful week. I have another blood test and ultrasound tomorrow. As much as this is at the centre of our life, Lo and I are trying to work out where we’re going to fit the insems into our hectic schedule. It’s difficult finding the flexibility to be as absent from work as much as this process demands. I also don’t want to give it too much space, given how much I freaked out last time. My approach this time is to go to the clinic, go to acupuncture, and go back to the office. Although my wonderful acupuncturist is a hard man to catch. With our two inseminations, Dr Y&F wants to do two IUIs. I had asked for an ICI and IUI. But it will be my concession to her to go with two IUIs. Probably better chances, but I kinda liked the idea of the vaginally inserted sperm swimming their way up in a leisurely fashion. With the stress, the spotting, and the dramas I am feeling like September isn’t really our month. In October we’ll be on leave all month (a staycation! there was no way we were booking a holiday as we wanted the flexibility to be around for this whole process), we’ll be doing the KD DIY thang, and will be a lot less wound-up. So, in true ttc trooper style, my mind is already on next month.
Blogger’s digest
Why I love the acupuncturist
I had never seen an acupuncturist before. A few months ago, a friend of mine raved about this guy, and I was tempted. I loved the blissed out experience he described when he left there, the intuitive hands, someone who can tell all that ails you from your pulse.
The acupuncturist is even better than my friend described. He is gorgeous. In a quirky, slightly camp, can’t quite tell if he’s gay, preppy, hippy, premature graying, delightful way. He’s so gentle and so beautiful. He runs this well-to-do acupuncture clinic with beautiful silk screens and lovely light. He has the most amazing touch and this lovely serene face. It’s so nice to come across such a beautiful human being. And he is so interested in lesbian conception. In fact, he’s buying the New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Planning and Birth just so he’s up with it. So, I am loving seeing the acupuncturist. Loving it.
Why we hate the clinic right now
We’ve had a really hard time with the clinic lately. Trying to do things our way, rather than their way, has not been easy. While they at first agreed that we could do two inseminations on consecutive days, one vaginal and one IUI, saying there would likely be no charge, they then went on to tell us that it was going to cost an inordinate sum. None of which could be refundable for various bureaucratic reasons. Even though now I am no longer taking the drugs and not requiring such regular monitoring we are still paying the same price per month as we did last month.
Then, there’s been another issue with the blood test. Our donors made two donations, one on 25 January and one on 5 February. They were meant to be closer together, but the clinic ran out of liquid nitrogen. Yep, that’s right, ran out. So anyway, Dr Y&F told us that we needed to get a blood test done on, or after, the 25 July. We actually asked whether we needed a blood test six months after each donation and she said no, just after the first one. There is the three month window period in which HIV can be undetectable, with an extra three months to serve the legal cooling off requirement. So recently, she told us that the quality of DDX’s first deposit was not good and she would not be comfortable with us using it. So, this month, we were all expecting to inseminate with DDX (from the second batch) when we find out (as always, only by us asking plenty of questions) that the second batch can not be used until they get another blood test dated after 5 August i.e. six months after the deposit was made. With DDX overseas, each blood test costs us a couple of hundred dollars and them a lot of logistical stress. If we had known it was due on 5 August, we would have done it then, given we didn’t inseminate until mid August. (Although the clinic wouldn’t let us start at CD1 until they had the blood test results). This news came along with the massive price hike for the second insemination and left us feeling pretty angry with the clinic. They make the whole thing so difficult by not communicating with us about what is required, nor being flexible to our needs as fertile people wanting to access the services within a wellness model rather than just being on the medication rollercoaster. So we decided that we would draw a line at what we were prepared to pay, and that we would go ahead with an insemination this month (one IUI only) with DDX’s substandard sperm and meanwhile ask DDY (who is in town for work for a few months) if he was willing to do a couple of DIYs with us. We were committed to using DDX as we had agreed to alternate between them and we had used DDY last month. Combining the two means that who the bio dad is may be unknown until after the birth, but this was something we had all talked about as an option earlier on.
Why I am a crap fertility monitor
I have never been much good at fertility monitoring. I gave up on temperature charting. I tried, but it was just so tedious, and I found the results too hard to decipher, our digital thermometer too hard to use, and besides, because we knew we were going through a clinic, I didn’t feel a genuine need to keep close track. From the fertility clinic’s monitoring, I knew that I ovulated around CD18/19. I pay attention to cervical mucous. But given that we are now facing the prospect of DIY, I decided that we should be monitoring more closely. Once again, turning to Stephanie Brill’s advice, I decided we should begin cervical analysis with a speculum. A speculum is not an easy thing for a girl to lay her hands on in this town. After three calls to the local sexual health and family planning centre, and having to speak to three layers of management there, I finally convinced the senior nurse to give me one (I was happy to buy one but they wouldn’t sell it). She demanded explanations all about our family composition, the technique I was planning to use, then she left me a plastic speculum in a brown paper bag with my name on it behind the counter. And I raced over and picked it up in my lunch break. Not bad. We are yet to use it though. But I feel all the more virtuous for having it.
DDY goes DIY
The next step was to ask DDY whether he was interested in DIY. This was never in the plan. They were always going to be overseas and we had always been thinking in terms of the clinic. We all like the intermediary that the clinic played. We had plans to see DDY for dinner next weekend, but with the realization that, all going to plan, I will be ovulating early next week, we made this rushed approach, and I emailed him saying there was something that we needed to talk to him about and arranged for us to meet him for a drink after work yesterday. It was lovely to see him, as we hadn’t yet caught up with him since he’s been back. And we chatted so happily. I then explained to him about some of the troubles we were having with the clinic, and my decision to go off the drugs. This then led nicely into asking whether he was interested in helping us out, that if we continued with clinic inseminations with DDX and did DIYs with him. He paused, thought about it briefly, and then agreed. He said ‘sure, let’s discuss in more detail next weekend when we catch up for dinner.’ We then had to explain that it was a bit more pressing than that and that we were planning to inseminate early next week. He was happy about it, but a bit concerned it might be a little bit weird. But he’s got this wonderful ‘chalk it up to experience’ approach, so we all agreed that we’d try it and see how we felt about it and as always, an opt out option remained for us all if anyone felt uncomfortable. So, we are going to provide him with an appropriate jar (which Lo is going to give him at work on Monday as they work in the same district) and then we are going to collect it in the evenings after work and try and do inseminations over a few consecutive days, depending on my ovulation. So that’s exciting, but a whole new ball game and I’m having to re-read chapters of all my lesbian conception books that I never paid attention to before. And of course, Lo’s dad then contacts us saying that he’s going to be in town on the night we’re likely to do the first insem with DDY and can he stay at our place. There’s no way we can say no, so we resign ourselves to sneaking out to collect sperm and sneaking in to our bedroom to inseminate.
How artichokes come into all this
Lo and I both love Lesbiandad’s story of the donation being made in an artichoke jar and then when they were pregnant them taking an artichoke plant to the donor as a gift. (I think this is in Confessions of the Other Mother). I love this. So we decided that an artichoke jar would be best for us. I then discover Stephanie Brill also recommends this – I think something about its wide opening –so, now Lo and I are in search of artichoke jars. Not being big artichoke fans, it’s a whole foray into a new aisle of the supermarket and a bit like the pregnancy test, we need to find the perfect special jar of artichokes.
Meanwhile, drama returns
Just when everything starts lining up so well something strange happens. I gained a bit of weight last cycle, I think the combinations of the drugs (I am going to blame them for everything) and being afraid to exercise during the 2WW. So lately, I have been trying to pick up the pace on the exercise. I did a very high impact aerobics class on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday. On Wednesday (before the class) I noticed a very small amount of spotting. I thought it might have been the hard-core exercise dislodged something or caused a small tear. It is now Friday and it’s still coming. It’s less like spotting and more like a very very light period. I called Buffy about it this morning and she seemed to think it was fine. I am due in tomorrow for a blood test and ultrasound so we will see what that says. But it worries me. With Lo on the computer for her assignment all the time (I am typing this on our very old lap top that I will then transfer and upload to the other computer) I have not had much opportunity to ask Dr Google. (I did for a moment at work, but typing mid-cycle bleeding into your work computer is not always the best look). But it’s making me a bit worried about whether we can even go ahead this cycle, what this means, and whether it’s to do with the drugs from last month having stuffed up my cycle? I will probably have a better indication when the blood tests and ultrasound results come back.
But at least the clinic isn’t quite so bad anymore
Then this afternoon the regional manager of the infertility clinic company called me about our blood test issue and the cost of the second insemination. He said that Dr Y&F was happy for us not to need a second blood test to be done. He also said that she would waive her fee for the second insemination, thus reducing the inordinate cost by about half. Both of these are very good items of news. I took the opportunity to give him some feedback about our frustrations, reiterating that we were happy to comply with whatever their procedures were, but needed to have these communicated to us with enough time for us to implement them. I told him how hard it was to make decisions with no information. I told him that from a business perspective, there was a captive market of people like us, but that they did not make it easy for us. He was so receptive to my feedback and is actually attending a workshop with all the staff from the clinics this weekend about how to enhance the patient experience, where he said he would use this call as a case study. I took the opportunity to sing Buffy’s praises. He wished Lo and I all the very best for our cycle and was really very good with dealing with the issues which is just so refreshing.
And so
And so we are now with decent insemination prospects, excellent known donor arrangements, a free speculum in a bag with my name on it, a newfound appreciation for artichoke and then this weird spotting, period, mid-cycle bleeding episode to mess things around. Please think of me tomorrow with the blood test and ultrasound. It would be good to have some answers, and for this bleeding to stop.
Down on her luck
We got back from our trip yesterday. AF arrived Saturday. More painful cramps than usual and heavier. I thought it was coming on Saturday when I woke up, and by mid morning, while we were wandering round some art gallery with my sister and her partner, there it was.
Despite this we had a good break. It was very good to be away and to be around other people. We didn’t tell my sister about our ttcing. The timing wasn’t right (and to be honest, we weren’t sure how she’d react. She’s a different variety of lesbian to us in many ways, and not that into kids). We were sad that this time didn’t work, but it felt ok… Lo and I found lots of space over the weekend to talk and it was nice to be away. We did lots of walks in the country, saw a wombat in the wild (the first time I have seen this), and some newborn lambs that were so cute. It gave us space to talk and dream, about our family, and about our future more broadly.
In terms of the practicalities, we’ve decided to go off the drugs, at least for this next cycle. I hated what the HCG shot did to me, I hated not being able to interpret my post insem symptoms thanks to an overload of pregnancy hormones, I hated the fear of finding myself pregnant with five babies overtaking my desire to have one. My instinct is, research aside, for me as an (apparently) fertile woman, the drugs kicking around in my system hindered my ability to respond to the cycle openly. While doing the insem, Dr Y&F said “next cycle, remind me to lower your dose, because really you should only produce one egg,” If we’re only after one egg, then that’s what my body does without drugs. And if the HCG is to make me ovulate, I know I already do that naturally. So in September, we will do an IUI with no drugs.
On donors, our agreement with our known donors is that we will alternate between them each month. We didn’t want to choose between them, and that’s what felt right to us, and they were comfortable with to. We choose to start with DDY as we have more of his sperm. In September, we will use DDX for our natural IUI cycle. DDY is back in town for a few months, and we will consider using him for a DIY in October. We don’t want to undercut DDX from the process and feel like we should try IUI’s with them both before moving on to the next stage. We also don’t yet feel able to have a conversation with DDY about DIY, nor the stress of managing timing and scheduling in this context. We’ll look towards it as a possibility for October.
Even though we just got started, I am feeling the clock ticking. We have until November. That’s three more cycles until we move away and things get a lot more complicated logistically. Not impossible. But more complicated. But I feel like I will feel calmer with the no drugs approach, at least this month, I am not ready to go back on that crazy mouse wheel.
We went to the clinic for the blood test to prove that I am really not pregnant this morning. I announced that I would not be doing the drugs this cycle and I convinced them to allow me to do an IUI and an ICI (i.e. intravaginal) a day apart. This feels like a good option for me and I am really proud that I am doing it my way. I ran into a lesbian I know, who I used to be quite good friends with, at the clinic. We then emailed for a good part of the day, swapping notes on our experience. It was so good to be in touch with someone in the same situation as me.
Then, today, our car broke. Badly. I think the road-trip was its last hurrah. It needs very expensive repairs, which are worth more than we can sell it for. This is complicated because we are going away in three months, otherwise we would buy a new car. We live where public transport is difficult and time consuming. Hiring a car is very expensive for that period of time. Buying and selling a car is expensive and risky in the time period. So we are faced with begging, stealing and borrowing to keep us on wheels for the next few months. With no family nearby, we have few people to call favours from. One friend has offered to lend us her car while she’s away next week, so that’s a start. And if we can cobble together enough short-term offers we should be able to patch something together and pay for a hire car, or endure public transport, in the interim. This really stuffs things up and is so not what we need right now.
The Test
1. We went shopping for pregnancy tests last night. We went to three stores, deliberating between the various designs and styles. We settled on a three pack of the first response.
2. We had planned to test this morning at 13DPO and CD32. A day before my period is due. We’ve been pretty restrained not testing prior. The clinic blood test is on Tuesday.
3. I woke at 5am and desparately needed to pee. Lo woke up and we deliberated about the instructions on ‘first morning urine’, we decided to test then, bleary eyed in the bathroom.
4. It was definitely one line. And one line only.
5. There was a mix of incredulity, disappointment and some relief. This cycle has been really tough. And I’d like another shot at staying calm and welcoming to our little baby, rather than the difficulties we’ve had these past few weeks. I felt sad that if we were pregnant, the first few days of being pregnant had me in a bawling and paranoid state. While of course we would have been thrilled to be pregnant and to be successful on the first go, it also would’ve felt quite soon from our perspective. We’ve been gearing ourselves up for it to take a few months.
6. We’re going to spend today’s road trip discussing how we approach the next cycle. There will be another, but I want to reflect on the lessons learnt from this one.
7. Lo is packing up around me, I am drying my hair with one hand, and writing this with the other. We’ve packed the other two pregnancy tests in case my period doesn’t show. Lo hasn’t given up hope yet. And I am about to google the stats regarding 13 DPO etc to see whether it’s possible we could still be pregnant.
8. Alas. Writing this, I feel sad.
Known donors, bad fences and the gayby boom
1. I’m starting to feel really excited about the prospect of possibly being pregnant, but not feeling very many ’symptoms.’ So, this is what the 2WW is like, huh? Plenty of googling, plenty of obsessing, and plenty of time spent buried in my diary calculating days. I am very much over the paranoia and really hope this is it.
2. In exciting and unexpected news, one of our known donors, KDY, who’s 60 million count sperm we used on Saturday, has emailed to say that he is coming back for a few months for a work assignment, as of next week. The other donor, KDX, will remain away but will likely come back for visits. After the initial excitement about seeing him, it took Lo and I a few moments to register that he would be here in person for a few MONTHS. Meaning that we have the possibility of doing it the good ole’ fashioned turkey baster way (if he agrees). Funny how things work out. So we’re keeping this in our thinking if a future cycle is required.
3. Wherever Lo and I live, we seem to find ourselves with homophobic neighbours of one variety or another. We love our current house, but are sad that relations with our neighbours are laced with a silent homophobia. Tonight, they cornered Lo and got her to agree to cutting down a lovely flowering hedge that divides our two properties. When I asked Lo why she acquiesced so quickly to their demands despite really liking the hedge and the role it plays screening out their house, she said ” I wanted to please the heterosexuals.” It’s true. We may be gay, but if we agree to your demands will you like us better?
4. Our lesbian GP just had a baby. So did a huge number of lesbians in this city. The gayby boom is in full swing. A friend of mine is newly dating a 40something single lesbian mama. So now she’s suddenly keyed in to the lesbian parent community. She’d never met a lesbian parent before, but now she exists entirely in the lesbian parents section of the community. It’s a smallish town, so there’s all these strange links between donors and lesbian parents. i.e. you find out a male colleague has had a donor-child, and you find out some lesbians you know have just had a baby. And then you put two and two together. I like that about this place.
For a minute there, I lost myself…
Yesterday was so intense and totally took me by surprise. In the night, this line from Radiohead was going around in my head ‘for a minute there, I lost myself…’ It was how I felt. The HCG shot gave me a really bad trip. I was having such a hard time. When we went to bed, Lo really calmed me down making me do relaxation exercises and deep breathing as well as us having a really good conversation about all the options we have. Today I feel a lot better. But I think the whole insemination experience really split me open, more than I can probably describe here.
I am pretty certain that the HCG shot was a big contributer. It did not agree with me. I don’t think I could see at the time what effect it was having, but it really knocked me off-kilter. We talked about asking/telling Dr Y&F that we don’t want to do the booster shots (1500 which I am meant to do on Wednesday (4 DPO) and Friday (6 DPO)) because I reacted so badly. I am still thinking that might be good idea, but I have a few days to decide. I really scared myself with the thoughts I was having last night. It brought up so many issues.
Despite our planning, thinking, reading and talking, I don’t think I had quite processed my feelings about having sperm in my body. I felt changed. My five star lesbianism was suddenly gone. I have never even kissed a boy so to suddenly have such an intimate experience with sperm threw me. It was something Lo and I had talked about in the early days of thinking about ttc, but hadn’t revisted. I feel really good about our donor, and his count is great, and am glad to know it’s him, but it was a strange sensation last night, feeling all bloated and imagining something starting to grow inside me. Suddenly it felt very real. Moving from the abstract to the potential was quite a leap.
And, this is going to sound really dumb, but maths is definitely not my strong point. I misread one of the pregnancy books that had a chart for working out your due date. I thought you calculated it from the date of your missed period, rather than your last period, so I had been thinking that a baby we conceived now would be due in June and that I would be just over three months pregnant at Christmas. When we got home from the appointment, I was re-reading one of the first lesbian TTC blogs I came across and seeing that the baby they conceived in early August was due in May (and ended up arriving in April). I couldn’t believe it, so exclaimed to Lo and she was like ‘yeah, I thought the June thing sounded a bit strange’ but she remained totally relaxed. So I typed my expected due date into one of those pregnancy due date calcuators, which told me I was 3 weeks pregnant. I had just inseminated that day! I wasn’t ready to be three weeks pregnant! I know I am really not, and I realise that is how they counted it, but I hadn’t quite applied it to our specifics.
The reason the timing stuff is such a big deal is because there’s some complexities with my work. I don’t think the date really makes a difference, but June just had different optics than May, given that I am starting in a new role in the beginning of January. Lo says ‘they’ll judge you anyway, so judging you in May or June makes no difference.’ And I think that’s right. And in my rational mind, the baby will come at the right time and the time that’s best for us. We started now because we’re ready to start our family. It’s not like I love my job either. And I definitely didn’t want to delay my personal reproduction to fit in with my work’s timetable. There’s just a lot at stake. When Lo and I were talking about it, we worked out that it is because my family are small business owners that I have grown up with this anxiety about leave and time off work and have this strange sense of obligation. My work entitlements about leave are pretty clearly articulated. So, this is one thing I should definitely stop caring about (and do, when I am in a more rational mind, but last night I definitely was not).
We chose to start now because we’re ready. We also knew that we only had until November, so wanted to maximise our chances, which is also why we chose to go with the drugs, to minimise the sperm encounters, maximise our use of a limited sperm supply and limit the number of months spent visiting the clinic visits. Lo remains incredibly calm and firmly believes that all works out for the best. I am still processing where things are up to. But am feeling so much better today. I took a yoga class and took care of my stomach during it. I have started checking what foods to aviod during pregnancy and how to exercise. The clinic’s instructions said no strenous exercise, but my class was gentle and I need to keep myself moving. I am feeling ok, just still overwhelmed.
Today
I don’t know if I am ready to write about today. Except to say it was intense. And after feeling very calm in the morning before the appointment, I suddenly got scared when we were in the room, me up on the stirrups, Lo sitting next to me, Dr Y&F about to insert something inside me. And I felt bewildered afterwards. We went home and I tumbled into bed, where we hung out for a few hours, and then we went out and had a really nice day of lunch, some shopping, and window shopping, a stroll in the sunshine, and afternoon tea at our favourite cafe. I felt much better getting out and about and taking my mind off things. I think I’ve got a lot of stuff about my mum hanging around emotionally (the twin single bed saga was a reality check), am a bit worried about pregnancy timing (more on that later), or finding out there are five babies in there (given that there were two follicles of different sizes that’s unlikely, but I’m a worrier, in case you haven’t noticed).
The facts – I know I sound hazier on these than I should, I was so bewildered that I didn’t quite take everything in, but here’s it as I understand it: there were two follicles, one was smaller than the other one, and I think one had been ovulated and the other hadn’t yet (?) (I don’t know if that’s how it works?). The sperm was thawed and was 60 million whatevers. Dr Y&F inserted the washed sperm by IUI but also put some unwashed sperm around my cervix (ICI) I think to meet the egg that was yet to ovulate or something. She mentioned that as there were two follicles that meant there was a chance of twins. She said that ideally we were getting two chances at a single pregnancy at once. Lo was very great and has been incredibly calm and loving all day. She is being very zen about it all. I have been pacing and stressing about all sorts of things, which I know I shouldn’t, but I also have the trigger shot HCG racing around my system so that probably explains why I am moodswinging so much. That, and that I did the biggest thing of my life today.
The funny thing is that when you first go to the doctor’s office they talk about the chances of success with stimulated IUI being 15 per cent, which is what we based our thinking on. But when we were in there, they talked like this was likely to be successful and they’ll be surprised if it doesn’t work. And as strange at this sounds, I don’t think I was quite prepared for that. It all felt so huge. And suddenly very real.
Tomorrow!
Buffy just called. I am surging. Finally. And so I take the trigger shot at 3pm this afternoon, and then we have the insemination appointment tomorrow morning (I give up on even predicting how this works, obviously it’s not 36 hrs later – but the clinic has the best success rates in Australia so I trust them – and I am glad it’s Saturday as I was going to be having to do some rescheduling if it were Sunday or Monday).
how
exciting!
I am so glad I am at home today. Best decision ever. I could take the call without having to whisper and can have the trigger shot at the best time, rather than trying to race home from work to do it.
I love Buffy.
(I don’t think I can convey exactly how cool Buffy is. Lo has decided she wants to be Buffy when she’s older. I want to clone Buffy and appoint her to every profession we need throughout this process, midwife, nanny, caring and accepting parent. She’s just the greatest, ever.)
The good, the bad and the uncertain
The Good
When I arrived on Wednesday for the blood test and ultrasound regime, all ready to be my most assertive self, the young nurse greeted me by saying straight away ‘Do you want me to get the other nurse to do it?’ and then she insisted that she would get the nurse. So I enjoyed (never thought I’d say that) the experienced hands of Buffy and left a lot less punctured than I had been previously.
The Bad
Lo & I are having a holiday with my parents in Sydney in October (This is good news in itself). They are coming over from my home town and we’re going to spend a few days in the city before driving back to where Lo & I live. The plan was for us to book a two bedroom apartment for the four of us to stay in altogether.
Background: My parents house has a few different guest bedrooms as they’re now empty nested in the family home. One room has a single bed, one room has a queen bed, and one room has twin singles. When Lo & I first went to visit together for me to introduce Lo to them, my mother insisted that it was on the condition we have separate bedrooms ‘I just believe in single beds for single people,’ she said. At that time, in the interest of building a relationship and demonstrating respect for her rules (which could have equally been applied to heteros) we agreed to go with it. So Lo had the queen bed and I stayed in the room with two singles in it. I would sneak into to A and cuddle her briefly in the night, but we obediently stuck to the separate beds regime. We expected there would be a relaxing of the regime as we all got to know each other better.
The next two times we visited were at Christmas time, so each time my older brother and his wife and my niece and nephew were also staying. This meant that my brother and his wife got the queen bed, the room with one single bed got made up to accommodate the two kids, and Lo & I stayed in the room with twin single beds (pushed against opposite walls and with a bedside table wedged firmly in between). I think we were all relieved that my brother’s presence gave us an excuse not to have to deal with this issue.
When my parents visit us they live under our rules which means that we sleep in our bed as usual and we provide them with a queen bed in the guest room. It seems to work ok, with plenty of discretion.
So, back to the apartment booking in Sydney ( I bet you can see where this is going..), my father offered to pay for the accommodation, which was generous. So he and I were on the telephone while he was booking online and there was an option for the composition of how the rooms in the apartment would be made up: one king and two twin singles or two kings. So my dad says to me as he’s booking: “What do you want, twin singles or king?” and I say “Dad, I’ll leave that to you, I expect you can figure that out,’ then he says ‘Well I know what mum would prefer,” then I say ‘Dad….’ then he says (as though acquiescing to a petulant demand from a little girl wanting an ice cream) ‘ Oh, Ok then, two King rooms it is.’ I could feel my mother’s awkwardness about it all down the telephone line as she stood in the background to the telephone call. I could have been less evasive, rather than my ‘I’ll let you figure it out, I don’t want to name that I want to share a bed with my wife’ I could have launched an anti-homophobia pro-acceptance tirade, but then do I have to? (and in my experience this doesn’t always work so well). I am sure some of you are thinking, why are we holidaying together if there’s this much homophobia? (particularly as my parents were at our wedding – you would think they would have come to terms with the fact that we sleep together by now!) But I expect we’ll have a great ole time as we always do. But sitting with this tension is hard and managing the complexities of it all!
I think I’m just a bit surprised that this is still where they’re at.. What are they going to do when we have kids, put them in the double and us in the twin singles? And what will happen when we go there this Christmas when my brother won’t be there to provide the alibi for why we need to be in the twin singles? Now that we’re married, the ’single beds for single people’ line just doesn’t cut it! I do think that it’s time to demand/ suggest more.
The Uncertain
I have the longest cycle known to man. I have been pumping Puregon for thirteen days now, since CD5. Tomorrow will be CD18 and I have another blood test and ultrasound scheduled. At my last ultrasound, on Wednesday, the sonographer said that I had two follicles that were neck and neck in terms of size and development. I am not sure what this will mean in terms of chances for multiples. A and I are feeling like we’re just going to go with it, and whilst we were originally worried about a multiple birth, we now feel more comfortable and open to the prospect if that’s what happens. Dr Y&F is very anti-multiples, so we’ll see what she says, but we discussed this prior to her deciding on this very low dose of the drugs.
Anyway, I had expected that I would be doing the trigger shot on Thursday for a Saturday insemination (you’re meant to take it 36 hours in advance), but they want me to do more ultrasounds and blood tests tomorrow morning, Friday, meaning I won’t get the results till tomorrow afternoon, meaning the insemination is likely to be Sunday (CD19) or Monday (CD20). It’s really hard not knowing when it’s going to happen, and it’s feeling really drawn out. My cycles have been a religious 32 days, with the occasional 34 day cycle, so I know it’s a long process, but Buffy had said we’d inseminate between 11 – 15 August, so I am feeling like I’ve been waiting ages. I also get worried that I’ll ovulate in between my every-second-day appointments, although it’s reassuring to see the follicles on the screen, and I think the drugs are meant to manage all that. I get the sense they know what they’re doing and are monitoring things pretty closely and I trust Dr Y&F.
When I was thinking the insemination would be one day this week, I had it in my mind that I would take the day off sick and that Lo would arrange a day off work also. But now it looks like that’s not likely to happen. So I decided tonight that I would take tomorrow off as a mental health day anyway. I am really strung out at the moment, which is not where I should be right before the insemination, and figure having a day off will allow me to get my life in order, catch up on some study and relax a bit. So we have an 8am appointment, then I’ll drop Lo off at work, go to a yoga class and then spend the rest of the day at home. I can’t wait. (It also means if I end up having to take Monday off for the insemination it looks like I am legitimately ill). Dr Y&F does the insems in her lunch break and has suggested we come in our lunchbreak and go back to work, but I don’t want to do that, at least not this first time.
