The Test
1. We went shopping for pregnancy tests last night. We went to three stores, deliberating between the various designs and styles. We settled on a three pack of the first response.
2. We had planned to test this morning at 13DPO and CD32. A day before my period is due. We’ve been pretty restrained not testing prior. The clinic blood test is on Tuesday.
3. I woke at 5am and desparately needed to pee. Lo woke up and we deliberated about the instructions on ‘first morning urine’, we decided to test then, bleary eyed in the bathroom.
4. It was definitely one line. And one line only.
5. There was a mix of incredulity, disappointment and some relief. This cycle has been really tough. And I’d like another shot at staying calm and welcoming to our little baby, rather than the difficulties we’ve had these past few weeks. I felt sad that if we were pregnant, the first few days of being pregnant had me in a bawling and paranoid state. While of course we would have been thrilled to be pregnant and to be successful on the first go, it also would’ve felt quite soon from our perspective. We’ve been gearing ourselves up for it to take a few months.
6. We’re going to spend today’s road trip discussing how we approach the next cycle. There will be another, but I want to reflect on the lessons learnt from this one.
7. Lo is packing up around me, I am drying my hair with one hand, and writing this with the other. We’ve packed the other two pregnancy tests in case my period doesn’t show. Lo hasn’t given up hope yet. And I am about to google the stats regarding 13 DPO etc to see whether it’s possible we could still be pregnant.
8. Alas. Writing this, I feel sad.
