Sunday: in four parts

Comments (1)

1. The HSG went fine. From various things I had read, I had imagined it would be far more traumatic than it was. There was a small mishap where I got left in a change room, in my backless gown, for half an hour due to a patient mix-up, which was annoying. I thought about creeping out to find Lo but didn’t quite like the idea of wandering the hallways in nothing more than a bed sheet with ties. The actual procedure was ok, a bit of cramping, and the all-clear. It’s a bit topsy turvey, the way that they make us undergo all the tests to see whether anything is wrong before even starting inseminations. Whether or not these tests come back clear is always the last thing on our minds, it’s always just another box to tick before we can start the process.

2. Lo’s mother is in town this week, she’s not staying with us (long story), but Lo is thinking about telling her about our ttc process while she’s here. I think Lo might find one of those mother-daughter moments and take her into her confidence. We’re both uncertain about how that will go, but expect it will probably be ok. Lo’s parents are also staunch Christians, but slightly more liberal minded. They’re also younger. And they know that lesbians have children. So that’s a start.

3. I have decided not to apply for the great job I saw. For a whole range of reasons including a persuasive lists of pro’s and con’s and our need for some certainty. So we’re still on operation go-overseas at the end of the year. I had Friday off work for the HSG and thought through the reality of being at home in the burbs alone with the baby and the housework and worrying about making ends meet on two part-time salaries. When we’re away we’ll have very good benefits, so life will be comfortable and most things will be taken care of, and we will be able to ensure that whenever I am not at work, I’ll be able to be with the baby. Lo is happy to stay home with the baby, and pursue some study and perhaps work a small amount. I am satisfied that if Lo is doing the bulk of the care, and we perhaps some queer uni student nanny part-time to help out and give her a break, then that will be ok. We know it will be pretty hard for the period after my maternity leave (3-6 month old) and perhaps thereon. But at least it’s a known quantity, and a good one, rather than projecting ourselves into the next few months of not knowing what we’re doing. I dreamt last night I told my work I was pregnant and they were fine about it. I think thanks to the six month sperm quarantine and protracted waiting period, this whole thing is going to be so over-processed and thought-through, that having an overseas move and job to go to will provide a good balance.

4. We had our ‘what will we do if the donors pull out now?’ conversation this weekend. It’s all hinged on some signed consent forms coming back to us and the final blood test from them. We hadn’t thought about our fallback plan in a while, and I don’t think Lo really wanted to consider it. We’ve come so far with them, and all feelings are good. But it’s good to have a plan in the back of our mind and to remain prepared. I think there are two options – 1. set the clock back to zero and find another known donor and start again. 2. go straight to the other fertility clinic in town that deals in anonymous (identity release) sperm and get started immediately. But I will be so relieved when these forms come back and the tests are all clear.

---

Tomorrow’s dye job

Leave a Comment

I have my HSG tomorrow at 1130. The clinic’s approach is that they make sure everything’s clear before starting. So they squirt some dye through my fallopian tubes and take an x-ray to check they’re not blocked. It’s meant to be a bit painful, but it also is meant to increase conception if done in the preceding three months before starting, which is why I left it until this point. I hope it goes ok. I am going to call in sick to work. I had thought about saying I had an appointment and taking the day off in advance on sick leave, but I thought it was just easier to call in and not explain. Lo will come along to the appointment. I do hope there’s not a fuss about her being there with me. You’re meant to bleed afterwards. Argh.

---

My mother, my self

Comments (1)

I dreamt last night that I had a baby in a room of my parents’ house. I had still not told my parents that we were planning to have a baby. So I walked out into my parents’ kitchen and everyone was wondering where this new born baby, wrapped in a blanket in my arms, had come from. I explained that it was Lo and I’s, and my mother said ‘Oh my Gawd’ (as my Mum is quite a staunch Christian, I never hear her say Oh my God, but I remember once in my childhood, she said oh my Gawd at a point of absolute exasperation and I was so shocked) with a tone of exasperation and ‘what has my crazy daughter gone and done now’. A bit like when Lo and I were getting married and my mum kept saying ‘just remind me, why are you doing this again?’ as if, to her, who has been married 47 years, the idea of lifelong commitment was totally unfathomable.

But I digress, so this dream was so vivid, and really brought home the idea that it could easily get too late to tell them. So, they’re coming over to visit at the end of September. I subtly tried to steer their visit dates away from when we would be inseminating or testing or injecting etc. – which left some very narrow windows. I am still not sure how to broach it. Some advice is that if they’re not going to be supportive it is not useful to bring them into the loop too early, however, other advice is that telling them only once you’re pregnant doesn’t often give them time to process it – and they feel left out that you have not told them sooner. By the time they visit, we could be pregnant, or more possibly, in the midst of ttcing efforts.

I told Lo I was thinking about seeing a counsellor about it, or more usefully, calling the GLBT counselling line to get some GLBT specific advice. Lo suggested I call PFLAG and seek advice on how parents would have liked their GLBT children to have handled it, and advice they might have for us. In principle, this is a great idea, but, as I pointed out to A, the PFLAG parents are accepting people, whereas my parents have not been able to come to a point of wholehearted acceptance (despite well over 25 years of experience – as my much older sister is also lesbian).

Apart from the sexuality stuff, we have a great relationship, I speak to my parents at least once a week, often twice or more, with a great deal of warmth and fondness. So it’s complex. And, at the moment, it’s really hard talking about what’s going on in my life, without mentioning most of it. I feel duplicitous and deceitful.

---